Content Note: this article discusses topics of abuse, suicide, and sexual subject matter.
Call of the Quean is just over a year old. She was birthed March 5 of last year. My life has since been a revolving door for people to come and ask relationship or sexuality questions, seek advice on shame-ridden messages they’ve been taunted with for their entire adult lives, as well as help people embrace an identity that is outside the binary-heteronormative script society has kept on replay…
I’ve always been a people person. My husband will tell you that being surrounded by people feeds me energetically. There have been moments where he’s talked me out of going to sleep at nine o’clock for “one drink,” only to end up in bed after the bars have closed (erm, 5am!). Why? Because we met new people who I connected with, and everything about me came to life.
This isn’t a rare phenomenon. I. Love. People. And, luckily enough, in turn, they seem to enjoy my company. On top of that, I’ve been described as a “sweetheart,” and a “fair human being,” by family and some of my closest friends. I have so many stories of strangers coming up to me and just sharing intimate details about their life. I assumed this was something everybody experienced, yet when I casually shared these encounters with friends and family, they straight up were like, “nope, no stranger has ever gotten so personal with me.” It’s usually met with laughs and jokes, however, the information I receive is not necessarily of a laughing matter.
I’ll give you one example. I worked in retail for a few years throughout University. During one unexceptional afternoon, as I was hanging new arrivals on racks, a woman wandered over near me. I asked her if she needed any help. She smiled and we made small talk for some time. She told me she was there with her son. He was 45 years old, she was pushing 70. From this vague detail, she had unloaded on me that his father, who she’d married after only speaking through letters, had turned out to be wildly abusive. Of course, this was going back decades, and she’d since been on her own with her son – who had a disability that delayed his ability to learn, and function on his own in daily life.
She’d told me during the conversation that if it weren’t for her son, she wouldn’t be alive. You see, her and her previous husband – her abuser – lived on some coast in Ireland, and one day as she was taking one of her daily strolls, she’d decided she would throw herself off the cliff. Life had become too painful with her husband, and she wasn’t sure she could escape him alive…
I’m sure you can imagine the horror I felt as she spoke this truth. The horror, but also the relief that she was standing in front of me that day, able to tell her story. She had realized, somewhere between her decision to leave this world and actually taking action, that she’d try…she would try, if not for herself, for her son. Because leaving him in this world with only her husband to care for him was more terrifying than death.
I tell you this heavy story not to boast about this strange ability I have, because I genuinely have no idea where it comes from – what part of me creates this comfort for others – but because for a long time I denied it. For a long time I truly believed it was an ordinary thing.
For a long time I thought if I embraced the fact that one of my most profound skills is not only listening to other humans – especially in their darkest or most vulnerable moments – but even possessing the physical space that, once people walk into it, they feel at ease in my presence, I would be inadvertently telling others that I’m somehow better than them.
Turns out those things aren’t connected.
No one is exceptional; however, that does not eliminate the fact that we can do exceptional things; that we have exceptional qualities. We all have our strengths. We all have our weaknesses. And the more I learn, the more I grow, the more people I meet, I recognize that holding myself back is only harming the world. Learning that I can make people feel something good about themselves, has become a moral obligation. Not because I owe it to anyone, but because I genuinely believe that lifting shame can save the fucken planet.
Or at least, it’ll get things started.
So, all of this to say what, exactly?
Call of the Quean is just over a year old, and therefore so is my Sex Coaching practice. I’ve been very selective with the amount of Clients I take due to other projects I’m working towards. Projects that will not only expose me to more people – people I can help on a greater scale – but also, projects that will force me into my own line of sight. Accepting myself has become a real endeavour…a very recent one, and helping others in this way has put my own insecurities and shortcomings in the spotlight. To be the best for others, I first have to be the best for myself. Self-love is the foundation.
I’ve worked with some of the most beautiful people. Sex Coaching is not just about those who are unsatisfied in their sex life. It’s also about reaching parts of who we are that have been darkened by previous experiences – trauma, hate, shame – and unlearning those things to create a more wholesome life, one of ease. Sex Coaching is about observing the things that are holding us back, and bringing them to light. It is rarely a comfortable process, but it is enlightening. I find that once shame and fear and secrets are released, they have less power over us. Forgiving the self is also a major part of the process.
Being vulnerable has become a continuous goal of mine, hence this blog…
And I continue to make room for others to dive in with me…
Going from an overwhelming foot fetish, to creating healthy boundaries and exploring like-minded communities; going from sexual frustration and unrealistic expectations, to building positive relationships and realistic standards through communication and habit-change; going from uncertainty and the need to control all aspects of one’s relationship, to identifying the self, and finding liberation through that; going from physically painful encounters, unanswered questions, to communication, experimentation, and re-educating the self of what “sex” actually means, and what it really looks like.
These are just a few of the paths I’ve been able to walk on, alongside many of you. And every path that I’m invited onto, I learn more about this world, more about the beauty in each and every person; I learn more about myself.
I’ve received a lot of thanks the last little while, but the gratitude is truly mine. In every heart, in every mind, in every story there is both a challenge, and the potential of finding one’s authentic self, and living fully in that space. There will always be new obstacles, no matter what road you’re on, what turns you take…but, there can also be a whole lotta bliss. And to have been able to witness both – moving from the former to the latter – is the greatest gift of all…one I never thought COTQ would lead me to.
But here I am, and I ain’t done yet.
To all of my past, present and future Clients (looking forward to meeting you), you’re a gift to me, to this world, and you deserve happiness, love and fulfilment – in whatever form that may be! Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.
Until next time,
Fuck well, friends!